I’m awake at 7:00am on a Sunday morning.
If it were the middle of the night, I’d go to the gym or do some cleaning downstairs while watching some real “quality” TV. But right now it’s so close to when everyone will wake up it feels like anything decently productive would end 1/3 into the process.
Sleeping on my back, side, stomach. With a pillow, without a pillow. Spooning with my husband. Me curled up to his back. Nothing worked. I detest the feeling of being wide awake and thinking – if I don’t get to sleep now, I’m going to be so devastatingly tired the next morning. Sadly, insomnia is something that happens quite often.
I think a lot of the waking hours have to do with stress. Stress at work, stress in my personal live, stress that I create because I just have issues. I never really cry. It’s just the perpetual sadness that is always with me.
I tried something I don’t normally do. My husband was asleep so I decided to have a one-way conversation with him. Nothing as funny or as awkward as Client Eastwood at the RNC, per say but something that I would never do with him awake. Maybe I’ll even tell him of this blog post one day. But to actually mutter the words in front of him – I’d be mortified.
I love you. I will always love you and the Bean. I love our perfect family. I hope that I am always what you want. I’m sorry thoughts of having another baby or not having another baby are plaguing us right now. Work is always unknown. Timing will never be right and one day my body may simply not let me have another child.
I’m so lonely. Even with my wonderful family, my wonderful friends, you and the Bean. There is always some sadness that persists even through my happiest moments. I don’t know the deep routed fear that lives inside me. It is the same sadness that emerges during really sad movies or really sad songs. It is a familiar ache that is constantly being smothered on a day to day basis.
I have never feared that you’ll leave me and yet I constantly beg you to stay with me. I don’t know why.
Please don’t ever leave me and the Bean.
I kiss his shoulder and head dutifully downstairs to make coffee and her morning milk.